Avoidance Promises What it Can't Deliver

We all want to alleviate pain, but avoiding our struggles only brings more.

Photo taken by the author (Trixie)

Avoidance promises false hope of relief.

It says it will protect us from something painful, difficult, boring, or excruciating.

At the very least, unpleasant.

Avoidance says let’s not deal with this, let’s not look at this, let’s stuff it away. Avoidance says putting off the conversation is better.

Another drink will soothe the work stress and mental load.

Scrolling on your phone is better than listening to anxiety creeping in the night’s quiet.

Avoidance says you don’t need to work out today. Or tomorrow. Doesn’t matter.

The extra cookies will help you numb out. And some ice cream.

Lying on the couch just a little longer is a good idea when it’s already been 3 hours, and you had plans. Just cancel.

Skip the physical therapy. Again.

Avoidance says streaming another movie is better than remembering what happened to you.

Avoidance does work well…for a little while. You do feel better.

Short-term avoidance could actually be helpful, depending on what you’re going through.

But not if you keep giving in.

Over time, you feel worse. Much worse.

Now you have the difficult thing you’re avoiding, and on top of that, there is all the trouble avoidance has caused you.

Avoidance sounds so reasonable, and sometimes it is. What’s wrong with alleviating pain?

Chronic avoidance exacts a steep cost, reflected in a huge body of research on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Avoidance delivers more stress, guilt, and insomnia, dreadful hangovers, weaker muscles, unwanted weight gain, a damaged relationship, or worsened pain, depression, and anxiety…

Avoidance pulls us away from what we value.

Over time, it makes everything worse. If you’re not sure, take a look. Ask yourself:

Is avoidance working for me?

What has avoidance cost me?

ACT research shows that avoidance — not our unpleasant and difficult internal experiences — is the biggest factor in human suffering.

The remarkable thing is that when you finally stop avoiding (and sometimes serious support is needed to do that), and you turn and face the thing, it’s almost never as bad as your mind told you it would be.

And even if it is — even if it is somehow much worse than you could’ve imagined — at least you’re not avoiding it anymore.

You took back the power from avoidance. You faced the dragon (big or small, it still threatened fire). You are braver and stronger than you knew.

Opting not to avoid means you are opting for your life. You are letting go of suffering.

We don’t need the false hope of avoidance. We can have actual relief. And we need it.

Phew.

kek

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Concepts in this post were notably inspired by ACT and Focused ACT.

Note: This post was initially published on my Medium site.

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